*(Once They’ve Grown, Matured, and Realized the Mistake They’ve Made)

I woke up this morning to an US Weekly  shocker:  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston  had not only reunited, but took to the  tabloid magazine to announce their  engagement.  This was about as much a  ”WTF?!” moment as Sandra Bullock  coming out of hiding to announce she  adopted a little boy from New Orleans  while divorcing her husband.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised (and  after living in Los Angeles for so long, I’m  not quite sure why I let anything shock  me), but still. . . no matter if you couldn’t  stand the Palin family, you have to admit  that Levi’s actions were beyond douche-baggy.  So for Bristol to forgive him and welcome him back into the family (again though, I don’t know all the juicy details yet), and you have to wonder if she’s a poster child for forgiveness or just sick in the head.

Yes, there is a child involved, and I’m all for putting the kids first, but unless Levi has changed (and Bristol too), then there is NO way this is going to work out.  (Profound, I know).  But for their sake (and Tripp’s), I hope it does.

Which brings me to the issue at hand. . . what happens when your ex comes back?  Do you let them in?  Forgive and forget?  Start anew?  I recently was faced with that very same question when my ex came back into my life after a 2-year hiatus.  It wasn’t as dramatic as Bristol and Levi, but it sure threw me for a loop (and that’s putting it mildly).  And as a relationship columnist, it made me really search for the answers as to why these guys come back–because they really do all resurface, don’t they?–and what you can do to make sure this time around is different, for the better.

I never knew a decision could be so easy and yet so painful at the same time. Telling my boyfriend of a year that I didn’t want to him to contact me ever again (unless he grew up) brought on feelings of relief and deep mourning. I was sick of his games and lack of respect, but this was also the same guy that I felt deep down was my future husband. Having to face the facts that this was not the right guy for me (at the moment) was awful—especially since I knew he had the potential.

And yet, even though I knew one day our paths would cross again, it didn’t make saying goodbye any easier. In fact, because I felt so strongly about him, it became almost impossible to move on. I dated, even entered in to other relationships, but I somehow knew this was the cream filling of the Oreo until he came back to bookend the other half. (Although isn’t the middle the best part? Nevermind. We’ll just got with it.)

Almost two years to the day that I sent that fateful email, he did come back (well, in the form of an e-mail at least). When I saw a Happy Birthday email in my inbox (because as my other guy friends said—“it’s a safe ‘holiday’ for a guy to reach out”), I felt both elated and scared. Elated that maybe he had finally grown up and this was the beginning of a better relationship, and yet scared to death that he hadn’t changed at all. Telling him to take a hike the first time was difficult enough. I didn’t know if I could do it again.

What’s more ironic, is that in the two months since he first reached out, two other exes have also come out of the woodwork. Was there some sort of secret contest I had no idea about? “Reunite with an Ex and Win a Trip to the Playboy Mansion!” “Apologize to an Old Girlfriend and Take Your New Girlfriend on a Trip to Hawaii!” I mean, how else do you explain all these guys coming back into my life at pretty much the same time?

As for the ex that I saw myself with for the rest of my life, it is still too early to tell what will happen. And I’ve grown enough to know that. No matter how I feel (or felt) about him, he still has a lot to do to earn my trust and respect. He apologized for past behavior and recognized how hurtful his actions were. And as it turns out, we are both planning a move to the same city by the fall. We’re talking. Nothing more, nothing less. Time will tell if the timing is really right this time.

In the meantime, if you’re just about to break up with someone, or have just cut off ties, here’s my list of what to do and how to act if you want them to come back (only because they have potential). If they were verbally or physically abusive, then they used their only chance up long ago. But if it’s just a matter of timing and maturing as a person, then if I’m any indication, they’ll be lining up at your door in no time.

1) GO OUT CLASSY When I said adios to my ex, there was absolutely NO derogatory language. Sure, I was upset and angry (and I made damn well that he knew that), but I also kept it PG-13 rated. Why? Well, for one, the minute you start throwing F-bombs all over the place (no matter if it’s in your regular vocabulary), it diminishes the effect of what you’re really trying to get across. Trust me, he’ll think better of you if you keep it clean.

2) DEFRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER Yes, it might seem harsh, but it’s even worse having to see whom he’s friends with now, or what his plans were last Saturday night. As for me, I not only defriended my so-called ex, but I blocked him as well. We had so many mutual friends that even seeing him comment on their photos and statuses were enough to make me think about him way more than I wanted to (and trust me, I already was—a lot). Plus, the benefit of him not seeing you on his Facebook feed is that he’s going to wonder about you way more than if he had a portal into your everyday life.

3) DON’T ASK ABOUT HIM I did my best to remain friends with my ex’s friends, and I don’t think it could have happened unless they were so adamant that I stay in their lives. But it mainly worked because I didn’t ask about my ex, and I made sure they didn’t talk to me about him. It was too painful to hear about what he was up to, and it also ensured that I was friends with those guys because I truly enjoyed their company, and not because they could fill me in on all the dirt.

4) DATE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE Even though I always knew my ex would come back (and no, I’m not a psychic; nor am I related to one), I wasn’t that gifted that I knew when that would be. So I had to go on with my life and do my best to put the past behind me. When you feel you’re ready to date again (and trust me, initially you want and NEED to take some time for yourself), then get back out there. Live life. Have fun.

5) WORK ON YOURSELF When I was with my ex, I was so happy to be with him that I literally put him on a pedestal. I was so concerned with pleasing him that I forgot to make sure he was pleasing me (which I finally did when I told him to get out and grow up). Now that he is back in my life, I’m no longer putting all of his feelings first. It might take two to tango in a relationship, but it also takes two to make it work.

Eventually, they all (MOSTLY) come back (granted, there are some that are that stupid and may never realize what they missed). It may be an email out of the blue or an unexpected run-in. But the best way to make that happen and make them want you back, is to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Yes, it’s kind of after-school special of me to say, but it’s so true. If you treat yourself with the respect you deserve, stay classy, and show that you’re worthy of better, it will go a long way in making him take a hard look at what he gave up.

And to my ex—you only get one more chance. Otherwise, I hear Jake Gylenhaal is available.

In my eight years in LA, it’s normal to get an offer or an inquiry to appear on a reality show (I’m talking to you Mike Fleiss at my cousin’s bar-mitzvah). Back in the day (well, Trista’s season), it was actually about going on TV to FIND LOVE, instead of going on TV to FIND FAME. So for Jake to keep protesting that it’s not about fame for him—well, it’s pretty obvious it is. Same goes for Vienna, Ali, Tenley, etc. They’ve all tried out for reality shows before, or tried to extend their 15 minutes after the cameras stop rolling. No one ever goes back to ‘normal’ life.

One thing I find so interesting that the tabloids (and even Bachelor host Chris Harrison) failed to point out is that a couple months ago, when Jake was in between rehearsals for DWTS, he gave out his personal number on Twitter for his fans. That’s right. He basically invited thousands of fans to call him up, chat with him, and spread his Jesus-loving charm (go ask him). No wonder Vienna felt so alone. But to invite fans to call his personal cell phone takes the ‘fame whore’ concept to an entirely different level. Makes Matthew Perry’s frequent-‘look at me’-trips to the Beverly Center in his early-Friends heyday look pretty innocent.

In tonight’s “Jake & Vienna Break-Up Special” (is that what they’re even calling it?), it was worthy of an Emmy nomination for best comedy. Jake sat there looking disgustingly smug, lying through his teeth, hoping that his Bachelor charm would carry him through to another acting gig. Quite contrary. I never thought I’d say it, but I felt for Vienna. She’s got bad hair extensions and doesn’t know when to zip it, but at least the girl is honest. More than I can say for Jake.

Breaking up is never easy. Whether both parties realize that things just aren’t working, or one person isn’t as into it as the other, it stinks all around. But if entering the Heartbreak Hotel wasn’t hard enough before, it got even harder with the emergence of Facebook.

Hundreds of break-up books will tell you to cut off all ties with the one you love (or loved). They will say to stop calling, stop driving by his house, and stop planning ‘coincidental’ run-ins. So of course, when I broke up with my last boyfriend, I prided myself on following all those rules and more. After all, I certainly wasn’t going to reach out to the person that broke my heart because he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship with me. To hell with that! Instead, I was going to do everything right so I could get myself back out there.

But wait a minute. In the days, weeks and months that followed, I was still hung up on my ex. What in the world was wrong with me? I threw myself into my work, hobbies, friends, etc., but I still couldn’t seem to move on. It had seemed that the one thing those break-up books forgot to mention was not to check his Facebook page!

My friends wondered why I was willing to torture myself, but in my mind, I was merely checking in, trying to stay connected to someone who meant a great deal to me. What was the harm if he couldn’t tell I was looking at his page, and I didn’t have to have contact with him? It all seemed safe to me.

But what I realized (months and months later) was that doing just that prevented me from moving on as fast as I had hoped—or simply moving on at all. Not seeing him on a weekly basis was hard enough, but viewing his Facebook page was like tossing a few crumbs my way that kept me going.

Of course, it all screeched to a halt the day a new girl popped up on his page and I realized that my ex had a new girlfriend. He couldn’t indicate he was ‘in a relationship’ with me, but he apparently had no problem doing the same with her. I was both stunned and angry. If I was the one that wanted a relationship more than he did, then how on earth could he be in a new relationship when I was still looking for one?

If finding out my ex had moved on was what got me to stop checking his page, then I say thank goodness. I couldn’t bare to see them snuggling up to each other in pictures or writing flirting comments to one another. I needed a good kick in the butt to really move on and put this sorry loser behind me.

At the time, I never thought I would have been able to delete him from my friends list when we first broke up. I didn’t think it was necessary to take such ‘harsh measures.’ But looking back, I realize that that’s what I should have done. He would have been hurt that he was no longer able to check in with me via my Facebook page (which he let me know later), but I forgot to realize the hurt he caused me by deciding he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

With Facebook, we’ve all become celebrities in our right (at least in our ‘circle of friends.’) One really wonders how Jennifer Aniston didn’t move to a different planet after seeing her ex-husband shack up (and have kids) with Angelina. I’m sure she would have done anything to have her anonymity back, if just for that reason. So until the rest of us become famous superstars, take solace in not knowing what your ex is up to—at least until you’re truly able not to care anymore.