Actress, model, entrepreneur, wife, mother and now author, Brande Roderick sure has her hands full. But that didn’t stop the on-the-go career gal from giving me her “Bachelorette” picks (tonight’s the finale!) or sharing other fun pieces of info about herself. Read on. . . .

Jessica Radloff: Ok, let’s get to the really juicy stuff. Roberto or Chris?
Brande Roderick: I would think it’s going to be Roberto. Chris is just a little bit too goofy.  I absolutely believe he would love her
and would be loyal to her, but I think she is too strong of a personality, and he isn’t. She’s such a career woman.

JR: Before Frank left the show to reunite with his ex-girlfriend, did you see him with Ali?
BR: I never liked Frank from the beginning. He’s so insecure and wishy-washy. I’m sure she had a physical connection with him, but that was overcoming her thoughts. Frankly (no pun intended), I thought he was gay! Bottom line, she wasn’t thinking clearly with him.

JR: Now you’re married with a four-month-old son, but before you met your husband, would you have considered going on “The Bachelor?”
BR: I actually had a conversation with (the producers) years ago (about doing the show), but I had a boyfriend at the time. (Side note: Obviously that hasn’t stopped recent contestants, but good for Brande for staying faithful and not selling herself out).

JR: What are some of your favorite scripted shows?
BR: “CSI” and “Desperate Housewives.”

JR: Favorite guilty pleasure?
BR: Pizza. LOVE margarita pizza and (Pizza Hut’s) meat-lovers pizza. Lots of pepperoni and mushrooms! Plus, I love movie popcorn with lots and lots of butter and salt. And of course, reality TV.

JR: Favorite sports team?  
BR: The 49ers.

JR: Favorite LA restaurant?
BR: Nobu, for their black cod.

JR: Favorite city to visit?
BR: I’d have to say LA now, because I live in San Diego.

JR: Best part of the Playboy Mansion?
BR: The beautiful grounds.

JR: Favorite co-worker on set?
BR: Stacy Kamano and Alicia Rickter from “Baywatch.” (Stacy played Kekoa, and Alicia played Carrie. Brande, of course, was Leigh Dwyer). Those girls are my best friends, and it was because of “Baywatch” that I met them. Turned out to be the best job because of it.

JR: In one word, what is the Donald (Trump) really like?
BR: Charming.
JR: And Hef?
BR: Two words: sweet and sensitive.

JR: What do you like to do in your spare time?
BR: Sleep! Before I had Keaton though (Brande’s 4 1/2 month old son), I loved going to the movies, eating popcorn, reading a book. Anything relaxing because my life is always go, go, go.

JR: What is something people would be surprised to know about you?
BR: I drive a Prius?
JR: Well, that’s kind of the norm for celebs now a days. What else you got?
BR: I have a left eye that doesn’t turn. My left eye muscle is too short, so I can’t really turn it.

JR: Favorite cosmetic product you can’t live without?
BR: Shu Uemura’s eyelash curler.

RELATIONSHIP ROUND-UP  
JR: If you could tell guys one piece of dating advice, what would it be?
BR: Don’t waste a girl’s time. If you know this is not the right girl for you, let her move on. Let her be available so the right guy can approach her.
JR: What about your biggest piece of advice for girls?
BR: Be available and open to a guy asking you out.

JR: Let’s say an ex comes back. Do you entertain a second round or move on?
BR: It totally depends on why you broke up in the first place. If he was emotionally abusive or cheated, then absolutely not. If it’s a situation where you were still young and needed to grow, but your ex was wonderful, then it might be worth a second shot.

JR: What is the best way to bring up a serious talk with your guy (or girl) and not have them shut down?
BR: Just ask, ‘when is a good time to talk?’ And never be accusatory by saying, ‘you you, you.’ Always make it about ‘I feel.’

Want more of Brande’s relationship and career advice? Pick up Brande’s guide to life, love, and success, called “Bounce, Don’t Break” at a bookstore near you.

*(Once They’ve Grown, Matured, and Realized the Mistake They’ve Made)

I woke up this morning to an US Weekly  shocker:  Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston  had not only reunited, but took to the  tabloid magazine to announce their  engagement.  This was about as much a  ”WTF?!” moment as Sandra Bullock  coming out of hiding to announce she  adopted a little boy from New Orleans  while divorcing her husband.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised (and  after living in Los Angeles for so long, I’m  not quite sure why I let anything shock  me), but still. . . no matter if you couldn’t  stand the Palin family, you have to admit  that Levi’s actions were beyond douche-baggy.  So for Bristol to forgive him and welcome him back into the family (again though, I don’t know all the juicy details yet), and you have to wonder if she’s a poster child for forgiveness or just sick in the head.

Yes, there is a child involved, and I’m all for putting the kids first, but unless Levi has changed (and Bristol too), then there is NO way this is going to work out.  (Profound, I know).  But for their sake (and Tripp’s), I hope it does.

Which brings me to the issue at hand. . . what happens when your ex comes back?  Do you let them in?  Forgive and forget?  Start anew?  I recently was faced with that very same question when my ex came back into my life after a 2-year hiatus.  It wasn’t as dramatic as Bristol and Levi, but it sure threw me for a loop (and that’s putting it mildly).  And as a relationship columnist, it made me really search for the answers as to why these guys come back–because they really do all resurface, don’t they?–and what you can do to make sure this time around is different, for the better.

I never knew a decision could be so easy and yet so painful at the same time. Telling my boyfriend of a year that I didn’t want to him to contact me ever again (unless he grew up) brought on feelings of relief and deep mourning. I was sick of his games and lack of respect, but this was also the same guy that I felt deep down was my future husband. Having to face the facts that this was not the right guy for me (at the moment) was awful—especially since I knew he had the potential.

And yet, even though I knew one day our paths would cross again, it didn’t make saying goodbye any easier. In fact, because I felt so strongly about him, it became almost impossible to move on. I dated, even entered in to other relationships, but I somehow knew this was the cream filling of the Oreo until he came back to bookend the other half. (Although isn’t the middle the best part? Nevermind. We’ll just got with it.)

Almost two years to the day that I sent that fateful email, he did come back (well, in the form of an e-mail at least). When I saw a Happy Birthday email in my inbox (because as my other guy friends said—“it’s a safe ‘holiday’ for a guy to reach out”), I felt both elated and scared. Elated that maybe he had finally grown up and this was the beginning of a better relationship, and yet scared to death that he hadn’t changed at all. Telling him to take a hike the first time was difficult enough. I didn’t know if I could do it again.

What’s more ironic, is that in the two months since he first reached out, two other exes have also come out of the woodwork. Was there some sort of secret contest I had no idea about? “Reunite with an Ex and Win a Trip to the Playboy Mansion!” “Apologize to an Old Girlfriend and Take Your New Girlfriend on a Trip to Hawaii!” I mean, how else do you explain all these guys coming back into my life at pretty much the same time?

As for the ex that I saw myself with for the rest of my life, it is still too early to tell what will happen. And I’ve grown enough to know that. No matter how I feel (or felt) about him, he still has a lot to do to earn my trust and respect. He apologized for past behavior and recognized how hurtful his actions were. And as it turns out, we are both planning a move to the same city by the fall. We’re talking. Nothing more, nothing less. Time will tell if the timing is really right this time.

In the meantime, if you’re just about to break up with someone, or have just cut off ties, here’s my list of what to do and how to act if you want them to come back (only because they have potential). If they were verbally or physically abusive, then they used their only chance up long ago. But if it’s just a matter of timing and maturing as a person, then if I’m any indication, they’ll be lining up at your door in no time.

1) GO OUT CLASSY When I said adios to my ex, there was absolutely NO derogatory language. Sure, I was upset and angry (and I made damn well that he knew that), but I also kept it PG-13 rated. Why? Well, for one, the minute you start throwing F-bombs all over the place (no matter if it’s in your regular vocabulary), it diminishes the effect of what you’re really trying to get across. Trust me, he’ll think better of you if you keep it clean.

2) DEFRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER Yes, it might seem harsh, but it’s even worse having to see whom he’s friends with now, or what his plans were last Saturday night. As for me, I not only defriended my so-called ex, but I blocked him as well. We had so many mutual friends that even seeing him comment on their photos and statuses were enough to make me think about him way more than I wanted to (and trust me, I already was—a lot). Plus, the benefit of him not seeing you on his Facebook feed is that he’s going to wonder about you way more than if he had a portal into your everyday life.

3) DON’T ASK ABOUT HIM I did my best to remain friends with my ex’s friends, and I don’t think it could have happened unless they were so adamant that I stay in their lives. But it mainly worked because I didn’t ask about my ex, and I made sure they didn’t talk to me about him. It was too painful to hear about what he was up to, and it also ensured that I was friends with those guys because I truly enjoyed their company, and not because they could fill me in on all the dirt.

4) DATE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE Even though I always knew my ex would come back (and no, I’m not a psychic; nor am I related to one), I wasn’t that gifted that I knew when that would be. So I had to go on with my life and do my best to put the past behind me. When you feel you’re ready to date again (and trust me, initially you want and NEED to take some time for yourself), then get back out there. Live life. Have fun.

5) WORK ON YOURSELF When I was with my ex, I was so happy to be with him that I literally put him on a pedestal. I was so concerned with pleasing him that I forgot to make sure he was pleasing me (which I finally did when I told him to get out and grow up). Now that he is back in my life, I’m no longer putting all of his feelings first. It might take two to tango in a relationship, but it also takes two to make it work.

Eventually, they all (MOSTLY) come back (granted, there are some that are that stupid and may never realize what they missed). It may be an email out of the blue or an unexpected run-in. But the best way to make that happen and make them want you back, is to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Yes, it’s kind of after-school special of me to say, but it’s so true. If you treat yourself with the respect you deserve, stay classy, and show that you’re worthy of better, it will go a long way in making him take a hard look at what he gave up.

And to my ex—you only get one more chance. Otherwise, I hear Jake Gylenhaal is available.

Heart-shaped Pizza from Lou Malnati's

If this was for my birthday, then I don’t mind getting older! Instead, it’s the day of x’s and o’s (and cupcakes galore!). Truthfully, I’ll take any holiday that uses cupcakes to celebrate, even if I am, don’t faint—single!

If you believe everything you read and see, single women everywhere should embrace Valentine’s Day as a day to be with their girlfriends, watch romantic comedies (um, “Valentine’s Day,” anyone?) nosh on chocolate, and be grateful for each other.  After all, we don’t NEED a guy to make Valentine’s Day what it is.  Heck, we don’t NEED a guy at all.  We just need each other, girlfriends till the end, to love and to hold, till death do us part.

Or some crap like that.

Truth is, I think most girls (or sorry, women), want nothing more than to be with a boyfriend or significant other on Valentine’s Day (and beyond).  But in this day and age of appearing empowered and independent, god help us all if we admit that planning a girls night out on Valentine’s Day is actually quite depressing; that no matter how much we love our friends, we’d much rather be dressing up in lingerie, ready to be seduced by our own McDreamy.

I actually love Valentine’s Day, single or not.  When I was little, my parents made a big deal out of it, showering my sister and I with cute little gifts, and Snoopy cards to remind us how much we are loved.  I remember spending hours decorating my Valentine’s Day box for school, so when time came for the class party, I had the most colorful box to accept Cabbage Patch and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cards.  Although I’m now in my late 20s, and yes, a handsome boyfriend to share the day with would be ideal, I’m also not sitting around on Valentine’s Day trying to plan some female-centered activity to make me forget I’m not with that someone special.

What I am saying is this though:  It’s perfectly ok to wish you had a significant other to spend Valentine’s Day with.  It’s totally normal to think that girls night out on V-Day is nothing more than ‘an I feel sorry for myself party but I’m going to mask it as an I love my friends day.’  And it’s perfectly ok to actually admit that!

Truth is, I don’t like being single.  Sure, there are things I don’t like about being in a relationship either, but I’d rather be in one (granted it’s with the right guy) than not.  I don’t need to preach to my friends how independent I am and if the right guy comes along, then great, and if not, that’s ok too.  Sometimes being honest goes a hell of a long way than masking your disappointment with Hallmark quotes of ‘it will happen when it happens.’

Go ahead and feel sad on Valentine’s Day.  Get annoyed with commercialism and candied hearts and the Charlie Brown Valentine’s Special.  But just don’t take it out on your girlfriends.  Because until McDreamy does come along, they are there to love you, and I’ll take that anyday. (As long as cupcakes are included. Of course.)

“I just want you to protect yourself!”

“I can’t stand to see you get hurt again.”

“We’re just looking out for you, that’s all.”

I love my friends, I really do. But sometimes, I want to hit them over the head and tell them to take their own advice. I am grateful that they care so much about me and in their words, ‘think I’m so ‘effin awesome’ that I deserve nothing but the most perfect amazing guy, but they just don’t always get it.

If they really want me to protect myself from getting hurt in a new relationship (or any relationship), then there’s only one true answer—I just won’t date. Period. I’ll be anti-relationships my entire life and if a great guy does come along, I’ll stop him before things get serious to say, ‘I’m sorry, babe, but I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me. I’m outta here.’ Really, I think my friends would bubble-wrap me if they could. That might solve the bruises that result from my constant klutziness, but a broken heart? I wish.

So can you ever really protect yourself in a relationship? Not really. Will that stop my friends from saying, ‘I just want you to protect yourself?’ Hardly. But maybe it will help shed some light on what you can do to take steps to remain in control of your relationship, so if there is heartbreak, it won’t sting as bad this time around, and you’ll be able to bounce back faster.

In my last relationship, things progressed really fast. We hit it off in an instant, were beyond attracted to each other, and had a mutual view on what’s important in life. It wasn’t like I was going around professing my love for him or even swearing that he was the most amazing man I had ever met, but that didn’t stop my friends from being scared to death of what would happen if he broke my heart and I was reduced to a teary-eyed mess. And here I thought I was pretty strong and resilient.

Truth is, breakups suck. What an observation, you’re thinking. But it’s a part of life and when they do happen, I try to tell myself that it will only bring me closer to finding the right person. That doesn’t always work in lifting my mood, but I think it’s a pretty accurate statement.

So if you can’t really protect yourself from getting hurt, what can you do? Here’s my mind-blowing advice:

1) Just go with it. Yes, I said it. If you’re happy and you know it (don’t worry, I’m not going to break into song here), then just enjoy the warm and fuzzy feelings happening around you. Don’t try to squash it just because you want to protect yourself from getting hurt. True, it’s not always the wisest thing to tell everybody you know that you’re on cloud nine (they’ll notice it just by your glow), but don’t try to always play it cool either. There’s a saying that I love that says you have to be careful about being too careful. It’s a great observation, and so true when it comes to love. Don’t smother your crush, new guy, boyfriend, etc., but don’t hide from enjoying those blissful moments either. Cause guess what–if you’re going to get hurt, you’re going to get hurt, and no amount of preparation can stop that from happening (and no, Yogi Berra didn’t say that).

2) Listen to your gut. I wish I would have taken my own advice on this a lot more. Because I had a tendency to over-analyze and think a situation through until I was blue in the face, I lost track of what my gut was saying in the first place. I think it’s normal considering human behavior is something I write about, but the fact of the matter is no matter how much I think about a situation, my gut has never led me astray. Even the times I wasn’t sure if I was right or not, I can look back now and know that I knew the answer all along. When you get that pain in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right, don’t ignore it. Address it and get it out in the open sooner rather than later. If you’re feeling that your guy is pulling away, you’re probably not over-reacting. And don’t let yourself get blamed just because you’re a female! Usually our gut knows before our head, so trust it, and I promise you will thank yourself in the end. After all, where do you think the label ‘woman’s intuition’ came from?

3) Stay busy doing your own thing. Whether it’s keeping plans with friends, going to a movie by yourself, or taking on a new hobby, don’t give up on yourself. This way, should things not end well with a new relationship, you won’t feel completely lost going on with life without your guy. And even better, when you’re staying busy, it helps take your mind off of when he’s going to text or call you, and gives you more to talk about when you do see him. Plus, seeing you live your own life (and do so passionately) only makes you more attractive to a guy. Don’t let yourself slide just because you can’t get your new guy out of your head!

4) Hold off on the S-E-X. I know it’s becoming almost trendy not to sleep with a new guy right away (although where did this 90-day-rule of Steve Harvey’s come from?), but it really is a sound piece of advice. Now listen, sometimes it happens in the heat of the moment, maybe after you’ve both had too much to drink, or just couldn’t keep your hands off of each other, so don’t think that you’ve ruined anything. Plus, if you’re safe and take precautions, it’s an awesome thing. But if you really like a guy and already know you want to be with him, then try not to round the bases until you know that you’re the only one he’s seeing. The worst thing you can do is sleep with a guy before you’re ready just because you hope it will make him like you more. I know it sounds so ‘after-school special’ of me, but it’s so true. Out of respect for yourself (and if nothing else, it will help in getting over him should you guys go separate ways), you’ll be glad you didn’t give all of yourself until you knew where he stood with you as a couple. You’ve got the goods and deserve to know that he’s just as invested as you are before you show all your cards.

Well, I’d like to think I’ve done a darn good job of highlighting what you can do to protect yourself in a relationship, without actually giving up a great relationship or bubble-wrapping yourself, or heaven forbid having your friends put negative thoughts into your head. All you can really do is just be smart about things (and let’s face it, if you’re reading this, I’d like to think you already are ), and therefore if things don’t turn out the way you’d like, you’ll have no regrets knowing you did everything you could to protect yourself.

That’s the million-dollar question.  Is it really that hard to date in LA?  And by date, does it mean actually find a date to take you out for dinner or drinks, or date and have a relationship?  Or in this day and age, is it hard just about anywhere you look, from Seattle to St. Louis to New York?  What is it about LA that makes people go, ‘oh, you are trying to date and live in LA?  That’s why!’

I moved to Los Angeles eight years ago, bright eyed and bushy-tailed, and yet mature enough to know not to expect anything. At 21-years-old, I knew to expect the unexpected. When my best friend once went to the Dresden, and ended up back at Vince Vaughan’s house later that night, I knew anything could happen in the dating world of LA, and boy, did it.

In a land where lovers are recycled more than water bottles (and in environmentally conscious LA, that says a lot), I learned early on that it wasn’t a relationship town. Well, if you wanted more than a 5-minute relationship that is. Just like kids in a candy store, there was always something more colorful and sweeter than the next. And in LA, where pretty girls are a dime a dozen, the notion completely rang true.

But in my eight years here, I’ve seen more than enough people meet great guys and girls, and have lasting and successful relationships. In fact, I may actually know more single people in my hometown of St. Louis than I do in LA. So how on earth does LA get the connotation that it is one of the toughest places to date? I have a few reasons why. Read on.

1) The Scene makes LA, LA. Stick thin twenty-something’s kissing the doormen of H.Wood and slinking right in, only to leave hours later with the latest pretty boy wannabe actor. Cocky agents assistants at the big 5 convince themselves that by promising to line up the next big meeting, they can secure at least a few dates with a rising star. And trendy reality stars know that unless they want the shelf life of a banana, the better get good at juggling their other reality star’s rejects. And so it goes. Over and over again, the cycle reinvents itself, only with the same results. If you go to the beach, you’re going to find sand in your shoes and car for days. And if you roll with the scene, don’t expect to come out unfazed.

2) Youth is always in. Hell, even 50-year-olds in this town consider themselves young. And we’re not talking young as in vibrant and full-of-life for a 50-year-old. We’re talking half-centurions who believe they really look and act like their 25-year-old counterparts. And more often than not, they act like children. As a result, there is no urge to ‘settle-down’ and get married. Twenty and thirty-something’s here think they have forever to find ‘the one’ and yet, by the time they turn 40, they wonder where the time went? You’re not so young anymore, are you?  The bottom line is, no one wants to grow up when you’re constantly living in Fantasyland.

3) Work. Blame Jay Leno. The guy wasn’t the funniest thing on the planet, but he sure did have the best damn work ethic you’ve ever seen. The guy worked as though he wasn’t going to be able to afford next month’s rent. He didn’t let up. Work, work, work. Although Jay is the most recognizable over-achiever, he certainly isn’t the only one. LA has a reputation for producing slackers and laid-back surfer dudes who spend their afternoons lounging at Urth Caffe, but for the most part, LA residents log some of the longest hours in the country. If you’re a 2^nd A.D. on a network drama, how on earth are you going to have time to date when working a 16-hour-day? If you are a research analyst for Warner Brothers, how are you going to muster up the energy to go out for drinks when you’re at work by 6am retrieving the overnight ratings for your boss? Dating simply takes a backseat to trying to further your career and always be one step ahead of the game.

4) Different strokes for different folks. This is certainly the biggest factor for me when it comes to answering why dating is so hard in Los Angeles. LA is certainly a melting pot of different languages, cultures, religions, and backgrounds, and while that allows for infinite possibilities, it can also make it more difficult if you’re looking to find your common denominator. For instance, no matter how many times I correct my Dad, he still thinks that the reason dating is so hard in LA is because the guys are so shallow. Well, although that can sometimes be the case (among models, actors and agent/manager wannabes), it’s not a very fair assumption. People can be shallow all over the place, and growing up, I dealt with my fair share in the good ‘ole Midwest. But in LA, I often struggle with guys who are girlier than me. I prefer a guy’s guy, someone who loves sports, knows how to fix things, and doesn’t need to go to the hottest clubs and restaurants to have a good time. Maybe the metro sexual wave has caught on in all parts of the country, but in LA, there is certainly no greater population. Guys here often spend more time shopping for clothes than they do working around the house, and although that’s not a bad thing if that’s what you’re looking for, it definitely can make it harder for chicks like me.

So what can you do? Keep looking, keep getting out there, and keep pushing yourself. It’s not impossible to meet the man or woman of your dreams in LA, but the lifestyle that is LA does often make it harder to find people with the same goals and backgrounds. Accept invites to events and parties that you usually would skip. If you live in the city, spend a day at the beach towns living like a local. Sign up for a softball or kickball league in the next city (if you live in Hollywood, go to Sherman Oaks. If you live in Sherman Oaks, try Brentwood. After all, that’s what Beverly Glen is for). Try volunteering or getting on the board of a philanthropic organization. Every bit helps, and even if you don’t hit it off with everyone, you never know who someone knows that just might happen to think you’d be the best fit for their best friend. It’s not that it’s that hard to date in LA, it’s just harder considering the circumstances it takes with which to live here. But take it from me—if you already have what it takes to live in the second largest city in the United States, then you definitely have the perseverance to find the relationship that’s right for you.

1)    Communication:  Most couples confuse this with talking about everything you’re thinking, feeling, and thinking about some more, when in fact, that is not the case.  Yes, it is imperative that you talk about what you need and want, but the saying that ‘silence is golden’ should not be limited just to your local AMC theatre.  Good communication is about knowing when to talk, and when to let silence speak for itself.  When your significant other walks in the door after a stressful day (either on the golf course or in the board room), don’t feel that you must talk it through and know everything going on (at least right away).  Offer to be available to listen if he or she wants to talk about it, but otherwise leave it at that.  Show support by being open to being there for your partner, whether it be by giving them time to decompress in front of the TV, or even talking to someone else closer (and more knowledgeable) about the situation.  You may not know what’s bugging your partner right away, but in the long run, it will create less friction when he or she is ready to open up.

2)    Commitment:  Rocky is one of my favorite films of all time, and the song “No Easy Way Out” (Rocky IV) serves its purpose here.  Although we enter into a relationship hoping it’s going to be full of happy and blissful times, we all know that there are going to be bumps along the way.  Sometimes they are small speed bumps, while other times we are re-routed altogether.  The most important quality though, hands down, to a successful marriage, is entering the union committed to each other even when life takes you on a different path that you had imagined. 

Couples think this is obvious, but what they don’t realize is that their partner will change, as will they, over time.  The person you marry in your 20s or 30s will not be the same person in their 40s or 50s.  More so, someone in their early 20s is not going to be the same person in their late 20s.  After all, I am certainly not the person I was even five years ago when I was 24.  However, I’d like to think that I’m a better person; a more complete individual if you will.  I see couples that enter into marriage thinking they are the perfect fit because one person is controlling and the other person likes to be controlled.  But what if years later, the less domineering person changes and becomes used to calling the shots?  Will that ‘perfect’ union no longer work?  This is where commitment comes in.  It’s about anticipating (or trying to, anyway) these changes and asking yourself if the person you’re with now is the person you’d want to be with later as they continue to grow and mature (well, lets hope they do anyway).  The important thing to remember is that change is good, and growing as a person will enhance your personal and professional relationships.  But it is crucial that you also grow together as a team, and make certain sacrifices to ensure that that indeed happens.  You often hear from people who are separated that it just didn’t work because ‘we grew in different directions.’  Don’t let that happen.  It’s about committing and supporting each other even when one person is going one way and the other person is going another.  It doesn’t have to be the end all that is all.  That is why, (if you can indulge my love for Rocky IV one more time) you have to agree from the beginning that, like the songs says, there’s no easy way out and no shortcut home. 

3)    Forgiveness:  Nobody’s perfect.  We know that.  But even then, we often expect them to be, which is why number 3 on my list is so important.  Whether we assume too much, expect our partner to be a mind reader, or think without taking the other person into consideration, we are bound to goof up.  It is how you react to those situations though that determine the outcome.  Before blowing your lid, put yourself in your partner’s shoes to try to understand what happened, and what needs to transpire on the road to forgiveness.  The biggest mistake people make is saying they forgive someone, only to hold on to resentment instead.  Don’t tell someone you forgive them and insist upon moving on unless you know in your heart you are ready to do that.  There is no time limit on it.  As we all know, some things take longer to move past than others.  It is better to work at forgiving than finding ways to resent.  Because then the only person you have to blame is yourself for failing to stand up for what you need in the wake of someone else’s mistake. 

4)    Mutual Admiration & Respect:  I once had a conversation with a very prominent and tough attorney who had just celebrated his 45^th wedding anniversary.  ‘What would you say is the secret to a happy marriage that works best for you?’ I asked him.  I expected a smart-alecky or typical answer.  Instead, I was touched by how intuitive and right on he was. ‘That’s easy,’ he said.  ‘Always thinking about the other person and how your actions will affect them.’  Sounds so simple, but truth be told, so many people often fail to do just that.  When you enter into a marriage, you are embarking on a partnership.  It is no longer just you.   And yet, that’s what gets so many people in trouble.  Guys fail to tell their wives they made plans with the guys on a Saturday night when she made a reservation for a new restaurant.  Women assume their guy wants to go to the new restaurant.  It happens all the time.  So think about the other person and how your decisions affect them.  Don’t walk down the aisle until ‘Me, Myself, and I’ is thrown out of your vocabulary. 

5)    Attraction:  Too many times I felt bad for saying how important attraction and looks are, but I’m confident enough now to say that it does matter—a lot.  I’ve heard that saying that girls dress up for girls, and not guys, but I, for one, never understood that.  I’d rather get dolled up and look good for my guy than worry about what my girlfriends think.  But even if I’m in the minority on that, it is still important to put your best self out there once you’re comfortable enough to lounge around in sweats and burp after a pizza.  Don’t fall into the rut of constant couch potato and forget where the gym is located.  Keep yourself attractive in your partner’s eyes.  It not only helps you feel good about yourself, but helps keep the sizzle meter high everywhere else.  Need I say more?

6)    Shared Values & Morals:  Where do you and your significant other stand on kids?  Want them?  How many? 1? 2? 3? Won’t stop until you have a boy?  What about religion?  Is church or temple going to be a regular occurrence, or something that you do only on the most important holidays?  What if one person is Jewish and the other is Catholic?  How will you raise your kids?  Will you spend time understanding the others religion, or will you assume that you’ll do your thing, and he’ll do his?  Let’s not forget issues about money, politics, and the like.  Love is what will bring you together, but having the same values and morals will help keep you there.  Don’t get married until you’ve talked about these topics and know where you stand.  If there is something you don’t see yourself compromising on now, don’t assume it will change after you say ‘I Do’ either.

7)    Be Kind:  Whenever I am asked to describe myself, the one adjective I hate to use is kind.  No, not because I’m not (after all, when you’re made fun of everyday in junior high for not fitting in, you learn how important kindness is), but because it seems like such a generic term.  I like to describe myself in less common terms that really identify who I am.  After all, shouldn’t we all assume that we are kind?  Have you ever heard a potential employee say in an interview, ‘My biggest weakness, sir, is that I’m not very kind.’  Of course not.  But often, the biggest problem I’ve seen develop between long term friends, or long term couples, is that kindness often falls by the way side.  We become so comfortable with each other, that often times we think a snide remark here or there is not a big deal.  Don’t let the passage of time in a relationship affect the very things that you pride yourself on with everyone else.  Just because you’ve entered into the covenant of marriage, does not mean you’ve left the house of winning over your partner. 

Bonus round:  My parents have been married 34 years, and when I asked my Mom the most important thing in keeping their marriage fresh, she said unequivocally, ‘laughter.  You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself, and find the humor in everyday situations.’  Well said, Mom; well said.  

Relationships are supposed to go something like this:  Guy and Girl hit it off; Guy and Girl can’t get enough of each other; Guy and Girl swear they are meant to be; Guy and Girl begin to come down to earth; Guy and Girl join the real world; Guy and Girl begin to have real relationship issues; Guy and Girl either work through them, or Guy and Girl break-up.  Bottom line:  the beginning of the relationship is the best part!

Unfortunately, it’s also a bunch of baloney.  While we all hope that the beginning of a relationship is pure bliss, often that isn’t the case.  It’s confusing, frustrating, and enough to make even the sanest of girls turn into crazy ‘The Bachelor’-like contestants.  Yet, when friends tell us that if it’s this way now, it’ll never get better, we’re led to believe that as the truth, when in all actuality, it takes a while to understand and get to know your partner. 

Those relationships that sprint right out of the gate often lose steam down the road.  Hormones are in overdrive, and all logical judgment is clouded.  If you’re a friend to that sort of couple, it’s often the period of time when your friendship begins to take a hit because your friend is all about her guy, 24/7.  The good news is that that sort of behavior won’t last forever, and most likely, you’ll eventually get your friend back.  Don’t envy her situation.  In this day and age of stronger, faster, better, smarter, there’s something to be said for slower, slower, slower, slower.

Of course, when you’re in the pure bliss of new love (or lust), slower is the last thing on your mind.  We have one life to live, so why drag the best parts out?  True, and I get it.  But if you want a lasting relationship, then take the time to get there.

Here’s why it’s actually a good thing when your relationship isn’t on autopilot right out of the gate:

1)    You MUST establish yourself as your top priority.  Don’t lose track of who you are.  Stop waiting to make plans for your weekend because you hope the guy you’ve been on one or two dates with will call and ask you out.  If you don’t start this pattern now, you’ll find yourself constantly consumed by him, and whether you admit it or not, he’ll sense it. 

2)    The quicker the relationship ascends, the more dramatic the fall.  If a guy is worth getting to the top of the roller coaster with, then he’ll take time getting there with you.  Be weary of the guy that wants to go from 0-60 right away.  Often it is this kind of guy that is either on the rebound, or isn’t thinking long-term. 

3)    Take the time to get to know whom you’re dealing with.  No matter how wonderful we make a guy out to be (and sometimes they are pretty wonderful), they all have insecurities, quirks, and complexities like the rest of us.  Humanizing them helps get rid of any ‘I can’t believe he’s dating me!’ internal talk that you might have.  I started dating this great guy, and early on he had everything I was looking for on paper.  I truly thought he was ‘it.’  But as time went on, I learned that he was compulsive when it came to germs and working out; had never learned how to swim, and was seeing a therapist for communication issues.  Are these deal breakers?  No.  But at the same time, it showed me that he was human and not perfect.  As a result, I stopped feeling like I had to be so perfect around him.  And here’s another thing:  guys don’t feel comfortable around a girl that always seems perfect.  It makes them more insecure.  Ever wonder why a guy puts up with a girl that often times has so many issues?  Well, many times it is because they feel like either they deserve that, or it puts them back in the driver’s seat.  Don’t get me wrong though—if a guy feels the need to be with someone because their issues makes him feel better about his own, then he needs to get himself to a therapist fast.  And, if you are one of those chicks that has it together, don’t start playing the drunk or the obsessive girl just to make your guy feel better.  But do acknowledge your weaknesses, your fears, your concerns (not on your first or second date, mind you).  Also show him that while you might admit certain things, you also know how to deal with the said issue.  It will ultimately make your guy feel more at ease, and help him to communicate more freely down the road.

4)    Information gathering: Girls are better at analyzing situations before deciding upon a course of action.  For guys, sometimes the only thing they’ll analyze is their March Madness bracket or how their stocks are performing (not to be sexist, as I’ll admit to doing those things too).  In the early stages of dating, take the time to analyze your guy and determine how they operate.  I often wish guys would do the same for us, but in all honesty, they rarely do—they are just not built that way.  But since we do have the ability to deduce what makes a guy tick, use it to your advantage.

For instance. . . .

a)     Is your guy independent?  Does he like being alone?  Does he need time to decompress before going out?  Look for these clues, and act accordingly.  Don’t smother him, don’t call him to check in on him (he already has one mother), and don’t insist on getting him to open up when he’s got a lot on his mind.  Let him come to you, on his terms, and when he’s ready.

b)    Does your guy like talking and sharing what’s on his mind?  Believe it or not, there are a lot of guys that can spend hours on the phone (trust me, I know quite a few—and yes, they are straight).  If so, then they often crave constant interaction and enjoy hearing what’s on your mind.  If your guy is the opposite, do not take that to mean that they don’t enjoy hearing about what’s happening in your life, but they just may do so in other ways. 

c)     Also be aware that in the early stages of dating, even the most independent and communication-illiterate of guys will open up, ask questions, and seem like a gift from God.  Just be aware that usually this kind of behavior does not last, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes if a guy feels like they are becoming closer to you, they won’t feel the need to have in-depth conversations.  It’s their way of going back to their life with you in it.  However, if they stop caring altogether what you’re up to or how your job interview went, then that’s where you need to draw the line and bring your needs up.

d)    In this day and age, there are also those girls that aren’t big talkers, and I’ve seen guys drive girls nuts when they like to talk, and a girl just isn’t into going there.  In this case, create boundaries.  Don’t always pick up the phone when they call.  Take a little more time when getting back to them  (if you talk 3 or 4 times a day, cut it down to 1 or 2; if you talk once every other day, then take a day to return a call).  Set your limits.  Just because a guy operates one way, we know that we don’t have to conform to their schedule.  However, this is where you have to stop feeling bad if you don’t get back to them right away (something us girls are rather good at it).  Also avoid using other methods of communication (i.e., texting, e-mail, Facebook).  You might think it’s less personal than a call, but in today’s world, that’s no longer the case.  If anything, you’ll encourage more contact.  (FYI, don’t be afraid to block buddy lists or turn your Facebook chat off).  If you need a break, then take a break. Set the precedent early on.

All of these methods will help as you ascend the relationship ladder.  By slowing down, you are able to see if you really are a match and build a better foundation.  Ask anyone who’s ever been through heartbreak (and boy does it suck), and most always, you will hear someone say that they wish they kept their emotions in check earlier before giving their all and being disappointed with what comes back in return.