Are you there, 30?  It’s me, Jessica.

I used to be afraid of you, but with less than 3 weeks till your arrival, I’m actually wishing you’d hurry up and get here already.  After all, if 30 is the new 20, then this is the decade I’ll meet the love of my life, find my dream job, and really come into my own.  Or something good like that.

It’s not that my 20’s have been less than ideal, but if you would have asked me when I was turning 20 what I would have hoped to have accomplished by the time I’m 30, I’d say I’m five years behind.  Not exactly where I want to be, but not horrible either.

We’ve all heard it a million times: things happen later in life now.  The average age at which you marry is no longer 22 (however, since it is around 26 now, I guess I’m not average either).  It’s rare to find yourself successful and independent before you’re 30 (and I’m definitely not talking to you, Mr. Mark ‘Facebook’ Zuckerberg).  And unless you grew up in a Midwest town or are a celebrity, kids certainly are entering the world later.  So with all that said, how come turning 30 was still scaring the crap out of me?

Easy.  No matter how young 30 is today, what scares me most is thinking that if I tried my best to make my dreams happen in my 20’s, but failed to make them materialize, then how do I know it will be different in my 30’s?  THAT, you see, is what keeps me up at night (and straight into the live broadcast of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.”) 

So for a while, I was dreading the day 3-0 hit, like I had only a certain number of days to get the book deal, find an incredible boyfriend, and get a steady paycheck.  Plus, for someone who still felt like a kid, there was this weird thing about being 30.   Was my metabolism not going to work as fast?  Would I have to spend more time lifting weights because it would be harder to build muscle?  (God I hope not.  It takes me enough effort just to get to the damn gym.) Would I have to stop reading make-up and style tips for your 20s and now upgrade to the 30s section?  I mean, if I still look like I’m in my 20s, does it still apply? 

Basically, if there were super powers to be handed out in life, I wanted the one that would freeze time.  It’s kind of like when you’re little and playing a game of tag.  I would run my kishka’s out as long as I could, and then the minute I was about to be tagged, I would scream ‘NOOOOOOOOOO!!!’  (I mean really, did I honestly expect that to do anything?)  And if it had, well then I probably would have felt like I was cheating the tag-you’re-it system.

So, here comes 30.  I can scream all I want to, but then what good would that do?  I’d probably be dead.  And I’d much rather grow old into my 80s and 90s than stay idle forever at 29. 

On that note, I reasoned with myself several ways to look forward to turning 30.  Here they are in no particular order:

1)   What if I write my first book by 31, get married by 32 and finally feel right on track?  Then I’d wish I could say to my 29-year-old self, “stop freaking out already!  You’ll get there, and at the young age of 32, you’ll be like, ‘why did I ever think I was so far behind?’”

2)   If Jennifer Aniston can look as hot and smokin’ at the age of 40, then by golly, I’m so not old yet.

3)   It took my 20’s to build self-confidence, look my best, and truly grow as a person.  Those are pretty big things, so I’d say I’ve got a hell of a foundation already.

4)   I know it sounds like a catch-22, but as scared as I was about turning 30, I’m less scared too.  People don’t intimidate me as much, and if anything, I’ve learned most people are idiots.  (Even the ones we think we look up to).  So stop giving them so much credit and give it back to yourself.

5)   The ol’ 25-29 and 30-34 age box!  Not so much anymore!  I used to be annoyed when boxes started indicating you were 25-34 because then I couldn’t let consumer services know I was still in my 20’s.  Well, not anymore!  In fact, I’ll take it!

6)   The passage of time.  Just like giving time time helps you get over a break-up, giving time time gets you that much closer to where you want to be.  I can hear it now: “I’m coming!!!!!”

7)   Finally, I will still always be a week younger than Rudy Huxtable (rather, Keshia Knight Pulliam, I should say).  And if nothing else, I figure we’re in a recession, so what the hell, I’ll just cut back on my age too.

At some point in your life, you find yourself wondering if you’re really trying your hardest.  Friends tell you that you’re doing all you can do.  But when what your striving for doesn’t work out, how do you know if trying your hardest is not good enough, or maybe, just maybe, you’re trying too hard? 

In high school, you know those kids that could get by on their charm?  The ones that were so popular you doubted if life was ever a struggle?  The girls who were so beautiful and probably didn’t even go through an awkward stage?  Well, that was not me.  Not me whatsoever.

I was the kid who had to eat in a bathroom stall because no one would eat with me.  No one wanted to be seen with the kid with the bowl haircut, braces, and blue-rimmed glasses.  Aside from mismatched clothes, I think I was the original Ugly Betty.  And even though I had the most loving and supportive parents a kid could hope for, the only thing I had going for me was drive.  I was ambitious as hell, determined there would come a day when I was noticed for the right reasons and no longer made fun of.  Although I worked hard for that 4.0 GPA, it didn’t come easy.  Multiple learning disabilities went undiagnosed until I could no longer overcompensate, and I became depressed from the constant teasing from my peers. 

Through it all though, I carried with me a quote from Tommy Lasorda.  I don’t know if he came up with it, or just borrowed it from someone else, but I liked it, and applied it to everything I did. 

“The difference between the impossible and possible lies in one’s determination.”

That was me.  I was determined to rise above what people (mainly kids) said I could not do.  I wasn’t going to be the smart, dorky kid forever.  I was going to be likeable, beautiful, and smart.  I was going to show all those kids that they picked on the wrong person.

I was beyond shy growing up (when everyone is making fun of you, how could I be outgoing?), but somehow I had this desire to perform and entertain people.  After all, it made sense, right?  The shy kid just wanted to be noticed.  But it was more than that.  It was about being accepted, being loved, and being part of something that embraced me for me.  To make a long story short, I wanted to be on “Full House.”  J (Either that or John Stamos’ girlfriend).  Watching sitcoms like “Full House,” “The Cosby Show,” and “Family Ties” was my only release during the hell of junior high and high school.  I honestly felt that if I could somehow be a part of a show like that, it would be a way to give back to the industry that gave me so much. 

After all, “the difference between the possible and impossible lies in one’s determination.”

The mantra seemed to serve me well thru my college years.  I managed to beat out hundreds for internships alongside the likes of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and “the Young and the Restless”, and was even named Freshman Newcomer of the Year by the University of Arizona’s SALT Program (for kids with learning disabilities).  I still worked as hard as ever, believing that was the key to success.

But upon graduating from college, I was handed a hard dose of reality.  Hard work doesn’t always work.  Being determined to succeed?  Sure, it helps, but it doesn’t guarantee anything.  And I thought I knew that.  Maybe though, I just didn’t want to believe that my strongest quality wasn’t good enough.

Where was Tommy Lasorda when I needed him?  I wanted a word with that man; I wanted to ask him if really believed the words he stood by.  And if not, I wanted a refund of sorts, or at least some help.

To be fair, I chose one of the toughest fields to break into (acting), and one of the hardest cities to live in (Los Angeles).   And I truly believe that if it weren’t for the thick skin I developed during my adolescence, I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I am now.  I nabbed the recurring role of ‘Marni’ on Oxygen’s “Campus Ladies,” where I got to work aside the likes of Jason Alexander, David Steinberg and Sean Hayes.  And not just pass them in the halls, but actually share dialogue and scenes with them.  I became a member of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.   I appeared on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.”  And most of all, I gained the greatest group of friends and truly blossomed from the gawky, dorky kid I was growing up.  When St. Louis Magazine named me one of their top singles for 2007, it was truly that defining moment where I had to realize I wasn’t the same kid who had to eat in the bathroom stall anymore.

But for all the success I’ve had, there have been a million more heartaches along the way.  I’d fill an entire magazine writing about everything I did to try and move my career along.  And even with having a role on a TV show, it was still a struggle to get good representation.  After six years in the industry, I began to feel it was time to broaden my horizons and find something else just as fulfilling.  After all, as tough as high school was, I could count on getting the good grades if I worked hard.  In Hollywood, not so much. 

Whenever I went home to St. Louis, aspiring actors would ask me what it takes to make it in Hollywood.  ‘Honestly,’ I’d say, ‘luck.’  Of course, you can’t sit on your ass all day waiting for something to magically happen, but I’ve learned there is truly no rhyme or reason as to why one person makes it and another doesn’t.  I often kidded that I’d have an easier time getting my own sitcom if I had a drug problem or made a sex tape.  Certainly, this was not the age of Mary Tyler Moore.

In my quest to tap into something else that filled me with as much passion and creativity as acting, I turned to writing.  Say that in Los Angeles, and everyone assumes you’re working on the next best screenplay or TV show.  In my case, it was more about non-fiction—self-help and relationships to be exact.  For a kid with dyslexia, writing somehow came easy to me, and having struggled so long with relationships growing up (or the lack thereof, I should say), I was so curious about what makes a relationship work—especially after you’ve tried so hard and failed. 

In some ways, it was parallel to my life growing up.  Even when I tried so hard and did everything ‘right,’ why didn’t it work?  Teachers often said to my mom, “I don’t understand why kids won’t be friends with Jessica.  It’d be one thing if she picked her nose or was mean, but she’s the sweetest thing there is.”  (Good to know I had proper hygiene.)  It was similar to when I got my first boyfriend.  I did everything ‘right’ and was never one of ‘those’ girls, but it still didn’t work.  I became obsessed with understanding why. 

Was I really trying my hardest, or was trying my hardest just really trying too hard? 

I still don’t know, to be honest.  My friends and family say that even though the outside has changed, the spirit within has not.  I work just as hard as I ever have.  But my Dad gave me a piece of advice when I was home last, and truthfully, I wish I would have known it years ago. 

‘Jess, it’s not about working hard, but working smart.’

I always knew my Dad was smart.  He was a Phi Beta Kappa after all.  But this was good stuff.  This was the stuff that Yoda would utter. 

So after trying and trying (I landed a literary agent!), but getting stuck (the book deal falls thru; agent pulls a fast one on me), I have decided to stop making myself so crazy, to stop being so determined.  I was only bringing down myself by investing so much into something that had yet to materialize.  Although I was no John Gray or Michael Crichton, I had to stop putting so much out there until I got a little something back first. 

I hope that’s called working smart.  I think it is.  But I’ll let you know when my first book deal comes through.  I’m determined it will.

1)    Communication:  Most couples confuse this with talking about everything you’re thinking, feeling, and thinking about some more, when in fact, that is not the case.  Yes, it is imperative that you talk about what you need and want, but the saying that ‘silence is golden’ should not be limited just to your local AMC theatre.  Good communication is about knowing when to talk, and when to let silence speak for itself.  When your significant other walks in the door after a stressful day (either on the golf course or in the board room), don’t feel that you must talk it through and know everything going on (at least right away).  Offer to be available to listen if he or she wants to talk about it, but otherwise leave it at that.  Show support by being open to being there for your partner, whether it be by giving them time to decompress in front of the TV, or even talking to someone else closer (and more knowledgeable) about the situation.  You may not know what’s bugging your partner right away, but in the long run, it will create less friction when he or she is ready to open up.

2)    Commitment:  Rocky is one of my favorite films of all time, and the song “No Easy Way Out” (Rocky IV) serves its purpose here.  Although we enter into a relationship hoping it’s going to be full of happy and blissful times, we all know that there are going to be bumps along the way.  Sometimes they are small speed bumps, while other times we are re-routed altogether.  The most important quality though, hands down, to a successful marriage, is entering the union committed to each other even when life takes you on a different path that you had imagined. 

Couples think this is obvious, but what they don’t realize is that their partner will change, as will they, over time.  The person you marry in your 20s or 30s will not be the same person in their 40s or 50s.  More so, someone in their early 20s is not going to be the same person in their late 20s.  After all, I am certainly not the person I was even five years ago when I was 24.  However, I’d like to think that I’m a better person; a more complete individual if you will.  I see couples that enter into marriage thinking they are the perfect fit because one person is controlling and the other person likes to be controlled.  But what if years later, the less domineering person changes and becomes used to calling the shots?  Will that ‘perfect’ union no longer work?  This is where commitment comes in.  It’s about anticipating (or trying to, anyway) these changes and asking yourself if the person you’re with now is the person you’d want to be with later as they continue to grow and mature (well, lets hope they do anyway).  The important thing to remember is that change is good, and growing as a person will enhance your personal and professional relationships.  But it is crucial that you also grow together as a team, and make certain sacrifices to ensure that that indeed happens.  You often hear from people who are separated that it just didn’t work because ‘we grew in different directions.’  Don’t let that happen.  It’s about committing and supporting each other even when one person is going one way and the other person is going another.  It doesn’t have to be the end all that is all.  That is why, (if you can indulge my love for Rocky IV one more time) you have to agree from the beginning that, like the songs says, there’s no easy way out and no shortcut home. 

3)    Forgiveness:  Nobody’s perfect.  We know that.  But even then, we often expect them to be, which is why number 3 on my list is so important.  Whether we assume too much, expect our partner to be a mind reader, or think without taking the other person into consideration, we are bound to goof up.  It is how you react to those situations though that determine the outcome.  Before blowing your lid, put yourself in your partner’s shoes to try to understand what happened, and what needs to transpire on the road to forgiveness.  The biggest mistake people make is saying they forgive someone, only to hold on to resentment instead.  Don’t tell someone you forgive them and insist upon moving on unless you know in your heart you are ready to do that.  There is no time limit on it.  As we all know, some things take longer to move past than others.  It is better to work at forgiving than finding ways to resent.  Because then the only person you have to blame is yourself for failing to stand up for what you need in the wake of someone else’s mistake. 

4)    Mutual Admiration & Respect:  I once had a conversation with a very prominent and tough attorney who had just celebrated his 45^th wedding anniversary.  ‘What would you say is the secret to a happy marriage that works best for you?’ I asked him.  I expected a smart-alecky or typical answer.  Instead, I was touched by how intuitive and right on he was. ‘That’s easy,’ he said.  ‘Always thinking about the other person and how your actions will affect them.’  Sounds so simple, but truth be told, so many people often fail to do just that.  When you enter into a marriage, you are embarking on a partnership.  It is no longer just you.   And yet, that’s what gets so many people in trouble.  Guys fail to tell their wives they made plans with the guys on a Saturday night when she made a reservation for a new restaurant.  Women assume their guy wants to go to the new restaurant.  It happens all the time.  So think about the other person and how your decisions affect them.  Don’t walk down the aisle until ‘Me, Myself, and I’ is thrown out of your vocabulary. 

5)    Attraction:  Too many times I felt bad for saying how important attraction and looks are, but I’m confident enough now to say that it does matter—a lot.  I’ve heard that saying that girls dress up for girls, and not guys, but I, for one, never understood that.  I’d rather get dolled up and look good for my guy than worry about what my girlfriends think.  But even if I’m in the minority on that, it is still important to put your best self out there once you’re comfortable enough to lounge around in sweats and burp after a pizza.  Don’t fall into the rut of constant couch potato and forget where the gym is located.  Keep yourself attractive in your partner’s eyes.  It not only helps you feel good about yourself, but helps keep the sizzle meter high everywhere else.  Need I say more?

6)    Shared Values & Morals:  Where do you and your significant other stand on kids?  Want them?  How many? 1? 2? 3? Won’t stop until you have a boy?  What about religion?  Is church or temple going to be a regular occurrence, or something that you do only on the most important holidays?  What if one person is Jewish and the other is Catholic?  How will you raise your kids?  Will you spend time understanding the others religion, or will you assume that you’ll do your thing, and he’ll do his?  Let’s not forget issues about money, politics, and the like.  Love is what will bring you together, but having the same values and morals will help keep you there.  Don’t get married until you’ve talked about these topics and know where you stand.  If there is something you don’t see yourself compromising on now, don’t assume it will change after you say ‘I Do’ either.

7)    Be Kind:  Whenever I am asked to describe myself, the one adjective I hate to use is kind.  No, not because I’m not (after all, when you’re made fun of everyday in junior high for not fitting in, you learn how important kindness is), but because it seems like such a generic term.  I like to describe myself in less common terms that really identify who I am.  After all, shouldn’t we all assume that we are kind?  Have you ever heard a potential employee say in an interview, ‘My biggest weakness, sir, is that I’m not very kind.’  Of course not.  But often, the biggest problem I’ve seen develop between long term friends, or long term couples, is that kindness often falls by the way side.  We become so comfortable with each other, that often times we think a snide remark here or there is not a big deal.  Don’t let the passage of time in a relationship affect the very things that you pride yourself on with everyone else.  Just because you’ve entered into the covenant of marriage, does not mean you’ve left the house of winning over your partner. 

Bonus round:  My parents have been married 34 years, and when I asked my Mom the most important thing in keeping their marriage fresh, she said unequivocally, ‘laughter.  You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself, and find the humor in everyday situations.’  Well said, Mom; well said.  

Like many viewers, I was disgusted with the finale (well, the “After The Final Rose” finale, I should say) last week on “The Bachelor.”  From the get-go, I adored Melissa.  She was gorgeous, self-deprecating, loving, honest, and truly the catch-of-a-lifetime (that, or really, really good editing).  And even though I had read all the spoilers and knew Jason was on tap to do something really lousy, I wanted to believe that Jason and Melissa’s proposal by the sea would turn into a trip down the aisle.  So when Jason announced to America only 5 minutes later (6 weeks in real-time) that the chemistry with Melissa just wasn’t there in the real world, I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth that could happen.  I saw their intimate moments together, and for the love of ABC, you can’t make that stuff up.  Jason’s excuse of ‘I just changed my mind’ didn’t work for me, and as a relationship expert, I was determined to know why.  As a result, I present my two theories that will answer what all of America is thinking:  How could Jason dump Melissa for Molly?!

1)    Jason & The Candy Store 

On Deanna’s season of “The Bachelorette,” I thought Jason was cute, but I was not enamored with him the way some of my other girlfriends were.  He almost seemed a bit creepy the way he starred into Deanna’s eyes and followed her around like a puppy dog.  I couldn’t even watch their one-on-one dates together because he just screamed desperation.  That’s what made Graham so attractive to Deanna . . . he was mysterious and a bit of a challenge.  Deanna knew he liked her, but pinning him down was half the fun.  With Jason, he was the sure thing, and probably would have rolled out the red carpet for Deanna had he had one.

So when Jason was announced as this season’s “Bachelor,” I was curious to see how he would act in Deanna’s shoes.  To my surprise (well, maybe not exactly), his demeanor had changed completely.  He was no longer this lost soul looking for love, but a cocky lothario enjoying the fruits of ABC’s labor.  At one point I wondered if ABC actually took him to “Bachelor” camp and gave him a large dose of confidence.

With the tables turned and Jason in the drivers seat, he was presented with 25 gorgeous women who all wanted a shot with him.  It’s amazing what that kind of interest will do to a guy.  Whereas he might have been dancing on cloud nine if he met Jillian on the streets of Seattle, he was now able to c’est la vie for something shinier, prettier and flashier.  The old Jason never would have let her go.  The candy store Jason couldn’t wait to try all the delicious treats in front of him (and we’re expected to believe Jason and Molly ONLY kissed in the tent.  Um, okay).  He became a product of the OVER-stimulus package, and with it, gained a new sense of self, and self-worth. 

2)    The Challenge of Molly

If you watched any of the post-After the Final Rose interviews that Jason did with the media, you’ll know two things: 1) There was nothing he could pinpoint about what went wrong with his relationship with Melissa, and 2) he kept on saying that “Molly challenges me.”  That statement right there was all you needed to know.  As much as Melissa was stunning, compassionate, loving, and a willing partner, she didn’t challenge Jason.  Granted, she was also trying to win Jason, so when the chase was over, it became a question of ‘now what?’  But no matter how attracted Jason was to her, she rarely questioned him, teased him, or made him work for her (at least from the editing we saw).  Possibly as a result of past boyfriends, Melissa was more concerned about having Jason love her than her finding the reasons she loved him.  That’s why she was so joyous when he proposed.  It was a validation of all those past loves that hadn’t worked out, and now it had.  As girls, so many of us understood Melissa’s journey and as a result, rooted for her happiness on the journey to find Mr. Right. 

Molly, on the other hand, always had an air of confidence about her.  Maybe because of her parent’s example, she was more comfortable keeping her feelings in check than on display, but regardless, she acted as though Jason was lucky to be with her, not the other way around.  In fact, if you want to look at it more closely, Melissa was Jason from “The Bachelorette.”  Had Melissa met Jason following his rejection with Deanna, their relationship might well have worked, but with Jason being presented with a plethora of choices, the world (or land of beautiful women) was at his fingertips. 

From my point of view, Molly was the girl who didn’t own a hairbrush, lined her eyes way too much, and was nowhere near ready to be a wife or a step-mom.  Melissa was the opposite and totally ready to step into Jason’s life in Seattle.  But the bottom line was that Molly made Jason work for her, whereas with Melissa, she had already done all the work for him.

As much as I wanted the Melissa and Jason happy ending on “The Bachelor” this season, I’m now so glad that Melissa didn’t end up with that creep.  What I find so astonishing is that although everyone admonishes Jason for breaking up with Melissa on air (which wasn’t really the case), his real lack of judgment came moments later when he was on the couch sucking face with Molly.  He could have AT LEAST waited to do that off camera, or on the second “After the Final Rose.”  I guess her ‘amazing eye’s cast a spell on him.  Regardless, it was a total slap in the face to anything he shared with Melissa, and a true look into what kind of an idiot this guy was. 

I don’t care much of what happens now to Jason and Molly, but I do hope poor Ty doesn’t spend all his life in therapy.  As for Melissa, I think she’ll be the real star in her next relationship (which ironically enough, seems to be with a guy named Ty).  After all, her realizing what a catch she is couldn’t have come without Jason dumping her to make way for Molly.  Talk about irony.  

In Hollywood, the time-span of a relationship is often shorter than the amount of time it takes to get a reservation at Nobu.  A celebrity couple appears to have hit the love jackpot and swears nothing will ever tear them apart.  Until an ex re-enters the picture, a sex tape is released, or as the saying goes, ‘we were just better off being good friends.’  So for those celebrity relationships that do manage to stand the test of time, what do they know that others don’t, and why aren’t more celebrity couples lining up ready to take their advice?

Dating is tough these days.  Sometimes getting just one date is not easy, not to mention the sparks that must occur for both parties to want to go on a second or third date.  So by the time a couple (celebrity or not) has gone on more than a few dates, friends, family and even the tabloids are ready to declare a match made in heaven.  In all reality though, it’s ridiculous to put any amount of pressure on the early stages of dating, because it’s just that: dating!  It’s a time to test the waters, see if you click, and discover the potential of a possible long-term commitment.

But that in itself is where the problem lies.  To this day, friends of mine that live outside of Los Angeles always ask me why I think Brad and Jennifer broke up.  If I knew the exact reason, I’d be the hottest interviewee in town.  Blame it on Angelina all you want, but usually the only two parties that know are the ones involved.  However, as much as I wanted Brad and Jen to find eternal happiness, the signs of a split were there way before their break-up was ever announced, and it’s usually the same culprit that affects other celebrity couples.

Brad and Jen gave a lot of interviews when they were married, and the theme that resonated the most was that they did not know what the future held and were going to give it their best shot.  Cryptically, Aniston once said that she didn’t know if you were supposed to be together with one person your entire life.

Although divorce in some circumstances can be necessary, if a couple is taking a ‘we’ll just see how it goes’ approach, you can be almost assured that they won’t see a marriage through till death do they part.  In Hollywood especially, rarely is anything ever constant.  TV shows come and go; trends fade, and celebrity divorce attorneys outnumber aspiring actors.  Celebrities are used to change and bolting when the going gets tough.  Not to mention their need for the spotlight (one suggestion: just move out of LA!), which can turn into a storm bigger than Hurricane Ike. They also aren’t used to dealing with conflict and compromising (after all, that’s what agents, managers and personal assistants are for).  And in a world where anything you want is a phone call (or shout out to your assistant) away, the next best and biggest thing (for now) is not too far off either.

Would Brad and Jen have lasted if they were likely to say things like, ‘Marriage is not easy, but we love each other and took a vow through good times and bad?”  It’s too late to tell now, but when Sarah Jessica Parker appeared on Barbara Walters and promised her that she’d be married to the same man in ten years, you believed her.  It’s about commitment, it’s about compromise, and it’s about working on yourself to make you the best person you can be.  When celebrities leave it up to other people or circumstances to navigate their life and tell them what to do, you have a recipe for disaster.  It’s the ones that listen to themselves and commit to commitment that will find themselves alongside the Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward’s of the world.

Breaking up is never easy. Whether both parties realize that things just aren’t working, or one person isn’t as into it as the other, it stinks all around. But if entering the Heartbreak Hotel wasn’t hard enough before, it got even harder with the emergence of Facebook.

Hundreds of break-up books will tell you to cut off all ties with the one you love (or loved). They will say to stop calling, stop driving by his house, and stop planning ‘coincidental’ run-ins. So of course, when I broke up with my last boyfriend, I prided myself on following all those rules and more. After all, I certainly wasn’t going to reach out to the person that broke my heart because he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship with me. To hell with that! Instead, I was going to do everything right so I could get myself back out there.

But wait a minute. In the days, weeks and months that followed, I was still hung up on my ex. What in the world was wrong with me? I threw myself into my work, hobbies, friends, etc., but I still couldn’t seem to move on. It had seemed that the one thing those break-up books forgot to mention was not to check his Facebook page!

My friends wondered why I was willing to torture myself, but in my mind, I was merely checking in, trying to stay connected to someone who meant a great deal to me. What was the harm if he couldn’t tell I was looking at his page, and I didn’t have to have contact with him? It all seemed safe to me.

But what I realized (months and months later) was that doing just that prevented me from moving on as fast as I had hoped—or simply moving on at all. Not seeing him on a weekly basis was hard enough, but viewing his Facebook page was like tossing a few crumbs my way that kept me going.

Of course, it all screeched to a halt the day a new girl popped up on his page and I realized that my ex had a new girlfriend. He couldn’t indicate he was ‘in a relationship’ with me, but he apparently had no problem doing the same with her. I was both stunned and angry. If I was the one that wanted a relationship more than he did, then how on earth could he be in a new relationship when I was still looking for one?

If finding out my ex had moved on was what got me to stop checking his page, then I say thank goodness. I couldn’t bare to see them snuggling up to each other in pictures or writing flirting comments to one another. I needed a good kick in the butt to really move on and put this sorry loser behind me.

At the time, I never thought I would have been able to delete him from my friends list when we first broke up. I didn’t think it was necessary to take such ‘harsh measures.’ But looking back, I realize that that’s what I should have done. He would have been hurt that he was no longer able to check in with me via my Facebook page (which he let me know later), but I forgot to realize the hurt he caused me by deciding he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

With Facebook, we’ve all become celebrities in our right (at least in our ‘circle of friends.’) One really wonders how Jennifer Aniston didn’t move to a different planet after seeing her ex-husband shack up (and have kids) with Angelina. I’m sure she would have done anything to have her anonymity back, if just for that reason. So until the rest of us become famous superstars, take solace in not knowing what your ex is up to—at least until you’re truly able not to care anymore.

Relationships are supposed to go something like this:  Guy and Girl hit it off; Guy and Girl can’t get enough of each other; Guy and Girl swear they are meant to be; Guy and Girl begin to come down to earth; Guy and Girl join the real world; Guy and Girl begin to have real relationship issues; Guy and Girl either work through them, or Guy and Girl break-up.  Bottom line:  the beginning of the relationship is the best part!

Unfortunately, it’s also a bunch of baloney.  While we all hope that the beginning of a relationship is pure bliss, often that isn’t the case.  It’s confusing, frustrating, and enough to make even the sanest of girls turn into crazy ‘The Bachelor’-like contestants.  Yet, when friends tell us that if it’s this way now, it’ll never get better, we’re led to believe that as the truth, when in all actuality, it takes a while to understand and get to know your partner. 

Those relationships that sprint right out of the gate often lose steam down the road.  Hormones are in overdrive, and all logical judgment is clouded.  If you’re a friend to that sort of couple, it’s often the period of time when your friendship begins to take a hit because your friend is all about her guy, 24/7.  The good news is that that sort of behavior won’t last forever, and most likely, you’ll eventually get your friend back.  Don’t envy her situation.  In this day and age of stronger, faster, better, smarter, there’s something to be said for slower, slower, slower, slower.

Of course, when you’re in the pure bliss of new love (or lust), slower is the last thing on your mind.  We have one life to live, so why drag the best parts out?  True, and I get it.  But if you want a lasting relationship, then take the time to get there.

Here’s why it’s actually a good thing when your relationship isn’t on autopilot right out of the gate:

1)    You MUST establish yourself as your top priority.  Don’t lose track of who you are.  Stop waiting to make plans for your weekend because you hope the guy you’ve been on one or two dates with will call and ask you out.  If you don’t start this pattern now, you’ll find yourself constantly consumed by him, and whether you admit it or not, he’ll sense it. 

2)    The quicker the relationship ascends, the more dramatic the fall.  If a guy is worth getting to the top of the roller coaster with, then he’ll take time getting there with you.  Be weary of the guy that wants to go from 0-60 right away.  Often it is this kind of guy that is either on the rebound, or isn’t thinking long-term. 

3)    Take the time to get to know whom you’re dealing with.  No matter how wonderful we make a guy out to be (and sometimes they are pretty wonderful), they all have insecurities, quirks, and complexities like the rest of us.  Humanizing them helps get rid of any ‘I can’t believe he’s dating me!’ internal talk that you might have.  I started dating this great guy, and early on he had everything I was looking for on paper.  I truly thought he was ‘it.’  But as time went on, I learned that he was compulsive when it came to germs and working out; had never learned how to swim, and was seeing a therapist for communication issues.  Are these deal breakers?  No.  But at the same time, it showed me that he was human and not perfect.  As a result, I stopped feeling like I had to be so perfect around him.  And here’s another thing:  guys don’t feel comfortable around a girl that always seems perfect.  It makes them more insecure.  Ever wonder why a guy puts up with a girl that often times has so many issues?  Well, many times it is because they feel like either they deserve that, or it puts them back in the driver’s seat.  Don’t get me wrong though—if a guy feels the need to be with someone because their issues makes him feel better about his own, then he needs to get himself to a therapist fast.  And, if you are one of those chicks that has it together, don’t start playing the drunk or the obsessive girl just to make your guy feel better.  But do acknowledge your weaknesses, your fears, your concerns (not on your first or second date, mind you).  Also show him that while you might admit certain things, you also know how to deal with the said issue.  It will ultimately make your guy feel more at ease, and help him to communicate more freely down the road.

4)    Information gathering: Girls are better at analyzing situations before deciding upon a course of action.  For guys, sometimes the only thing they’ll analyze is their March Madness bracket or how their stocks are performing (not to be sexist, as I’ll admit to doing those things too).  In the early stages of dating, take the time to analyze your guy and determine how they operate.  I often wish guys would do the same for us, but in all honesty, they rarely do—they are just not built that way.  But since we do have the ability to deduce what makes a guy tick, use it to your advantage.

For instance. . . .

a)     Is your guy independent?  Does he like being alone?  Does he need time to decompress before going out?  Look for these clues, and act accordingly.  Don’t smother him, don’t call him to check in on him (he already has one mother), and don’t insist on getting him to open up when he’s got a lot on his mind.  Let him come to you, on his terms, and when he’s ready.

b)    Does your guy like talking and sharing what’s on his mind?  Believe it or not, there are a lot of guys that can spend hours on the phone (trust me, I know quite a few—and yes, they are straight).  If so, then they often crave constant interaction and enjoy hearing what’s on your mind.  If your guy is the opposite, do not take that to mean that they don’t enjoy hearing about what’s happening in your life, but they just may do so in other ways. 

c)     Also be aware that in the early stages of dating, even the most independent and communication-illiterate of guys will open up, ask questions, and seem like a gift from God.  Just be aware that usually this kind of behavior does not last, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Sometimes if a guy feels like they are becoming closer to you, they won’t feel the need to have in-depth conversations.  It’s their way of going back to their life with you in it.  However, if they stop caring altogether what you’re up to or how your job interview went, then that’s where you need to draw the line and bring your needs up.

d)    In this day and age, there are also those girls that aren’t big talkers, and I’ve seen guys drive girls nuts when they like to talk, and a girl just isn’t into going there.  In this case, create boundaries.  Don’t always pick up the phone when they call.  Take a little more time when getting back to them  (if you talk 3 or 4 times a day, cut it down to 1 or 2; if you talk once every other day, then take a day to return a call).  Set your limits.  Just because a guy operates one way, we know that we don’t have to conform to their schedule.  However, this is where you have to stop feeling bad if you don’t get back to them right away (something us girls are rather good at it).  Also avoid using other methods of communication (i.e., texting, e-mail, Facebook).  You might think it’s less personal than a call, but in today’s world, that’s no longer the case.  If anything, you’ll encourage more contact.  (FYI, don’t be afraid to block buddy lists or turn your Facebook chat off).  If you need a break, then take a break. Set the precedent early on.

All of these methods will help as you ascend the relationship ladder.  By slowing down, you are able to see if you really are a match and build a better foundation.  Ask anyone who’s ever been through heartbreak (and boy does it suck), and most always, you will hear someone say that they wish they kept their emotions in check earlier before giving their all and being disappointed with what comes back in return.  

When Jack Berger informed Miranda Hobbes that maybe her date just wasn’t that into her on “Sex and the City,” somewhere a Hollywood movie studio went ‘ka-ching!’  Who knew that a simple statement could turn into a book (and a “New York Times” best-seller at that), a must-watch episode of “Oprah,” and most recently, a movie featuring Hollywood’s elite.  It’s the classic Hollywood story (no, not boy meets girl), but that of Los Angeles TV and Film execs milking whatever they can out of an idea that went sour years ago.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to be one of those chicks that swears off seeing “He’s Just Not That Into You” because I’m above it all and don’t need a movie to tell me what I already know.  Quite contrary.  I can’t wait to see the movie and find out if it 1) lives up to the hype, and 2) how truthful it really is.

As Celebuzz’s Celebrity Relationship Expert, I love this kind of stuff.  I love figuring out what makes a relationship work and understanding why some relationships don’t.  Whether you are Jennifer Aniston or Molly McLovely from Anywhere, USA, we all crave to understand relationships a little bit better and strive for the perfect fit.

So, with that said, let’s analyze the characters dilemmas in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and see if it’s really that cut and dry.

1)  Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) seems to have a problem just getting the first date.  Maybe it’s her over-analytical nature or her willingness to display all her cards at once, but even if a guy gets her number, it doesn’t mean he’s going to call.  Just from watching the trailer, I wanted to cringe every time I saw her go after a guy, and not because I care so much about the character of Gigi, but because I’d like to think us girls are smarter than that in real-life.  My first thought was, ‘really?!  Are we back here again?’ 

I mean, what happens when you really do everything ‘right,’ and he still doesn’t follow-up with a call or an e-mail?  What explanation is there then? Well, in that case, it’s most likely him, and not you.  It’s easy for a guy not to be into you if you’re coming on too strongly, forcing intimate moments, or declaring way too personal details about yourself.  But when you know you’ve done your job, and he still doesn’t call, text or Facebook?  Well, either he’s got someone else already, is scared it might lead to something he’s not ready for, or was just a jerk who wanted to make sure he still had the goods.  And in that case, c’est la vie!

2)  Beth (Jennifer Aniston) finds herself at a crossroads in life when her long-time boyfriend, Neil (Ben Affleck), balks at the idea of marriage.  Is Neil really not into Beth?  Is it just that simple?  Well, I haven’t seen the movie yet, but here’s my take:  I’ve seen plenty of guys take forever and a day to propose to their girlfriend and consider themselves ready to walk down the aisle.  There are numerous reasons for this, of course.  He might have gotten too comfortable, might be afraid that if his parents got divorced, the same thing might happen to him, might not feel financially secure, might not be ready for kids, or you just might not be the one.  But that does NOT mean that he’s not into you, or that things can’t work out.  What it does mean is that if you haven’t been pressuring him, and if you’ve been together long enough for you to know he really is the one, then it’s a conversation worth having.  Many guys by nature aren’t great communicators, and even more would rather have root canal than have the relationship talk.  But if you’ve gotten to that point in your relationship where marriage is what you want and you know a relationship without marriage just isn’t worth it, then you owe it to yourself to find out what’s really holding him back.  But a reluctance to walk down the aisle because he’s not that into you?  Hardly.

3)   Mary (Drew Barrymore) seems to have the greatest group of guy friends (who just happen to all be gay), but struggles with finding a good, straight one.  So what’s the problem?  Well, for one, she might need to stop depending on her boys for all the answers.  Don’t get me wrong—every gal needs a great group of friends.  I don’t care if they are guys, girls, Muppets or Fraggles; a girl needs her friends.  But listening to them too much can not only make you crazy, but can also be a recipe for disaster.  As much as your friends want to help guide your love life, they aren’t you.   Yes, I know you love them, but I can almost guarantee you that how they act in their professional and personal lives is not how you would act.  And just because your best friend handles one situation one way, it does not mean it suits you to handle yours the same.  After all, would you ask a pastry chef to make a sushi roll?  Probably not.  So try to have confidence within yourself and stick to what you know best.  Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask the girls (or guys) for advice, but be careful how much you ask for it.